it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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