I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
