worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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