I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
