it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
