So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
