I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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