I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
