I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
