He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
