god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
