I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
