I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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