yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
