Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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