so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
