nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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