I wish you could order shots online.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
