do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
