Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
