Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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