i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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