I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
