my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
