and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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