I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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