I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
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She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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