Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
