But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
