and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
