my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
