we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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