Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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