So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
