the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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