Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
