All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
