apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize