based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
