I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
