maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
