I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
