I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
