Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
