I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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