sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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