There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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