Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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