He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
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He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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