Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
