I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
