How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
