i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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