I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
