I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
