hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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