Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Randomize
