you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
