Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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