When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
