We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
