I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
